Herman Cain: A world without reporters and women who speak up.
We, the lowly Electorate: A Super Committee that is actually super, or occasionally super, or consistently adequate. Okay, just a committee that produces. Something.
Newt Gingrich: A smidgeon of compassion. Okay, he probably doesn’t want this but, c’mon. Newt says Occupy Wall Street protestors should get a bath and a job? Really, Newt? Are you telling us that you, who appears to have been named after an amphibian and who has one of the slimiest pasts of any candidate, ever, has never been in a tough spot, never in need of sympathy? Pull-ease.
President Obama: A Congress without a Tea Party, John Boehner, and Eric Cantor. And a Senate without the Mr.-President-I’ve-Drawn-A-Target-On-Your-Back Mitch McConnell. (Note to Senator McConnell from St. Nick: “That would qualify as nasty, Mitchie. Looks like coal for you. Again.) If Obama can’t have that, he’ll settle for some cool new apps for his iPad.
John Boehner: A membership to Hollywood Tans and stock in Kleenex.
Maybe 30 percent of the top two percent of income earners: A chance to contribute. Really. Just increase out taxes and take the flippin’ dough, already. We’ll put it on a plate in lieu of cookies and reindeer food. Santa can usher it away. The debate and suspense are killing us, not to mention our portfolios.
Occupy Wall Street Protestors: Jobs, dude. Jobs! Until then, respect. And maybe a smidgen of Woodstock-style loving. Where’s the loving?
Mitch McConnell: Steroids and a year-long supply of energy drinks so that he can grow big and run for President. The power would be awesome. Lobbyists and big-league backers would shower him with gifts and cash. Don’t forget the cash. There’d be so much he could fill his Kentucky home and roll around naked in it. What better fun over the holidays?! And then there’s Air Force One. What about filling that baby with fresh-off-the-press bills and playing at 30,000 feet? Who needs *&%$# Santa Clause?!
The Electorate: A government made up of representatives who work for the common good. Jane and Joe Middle-Class dream of feeding and housing their family, maybe sending a child or two to college. If it means working three jobs, so be it; just provide the opportunities, will ya? Oh, and they’d like to believe that lawmakers in the nation’s highest offices wouldn’t knowingly run the country into the ground while saving their own backsides and those of the super-duper rich.
Donald Trump: Since it’s impossible to give what he really wants — a kingdom where all the Whos in Whoville worship him — a reality check is in order. Basically, this would occur in the form of a brave soul who would break to Trump the news that he doesn’t possess the intellect, journalistic training, non-biased thinking, or, frankly, the hair to be a successful debate moderator, let alone leader of the free world.
The Electorate: The ability to immediately end terms of elected federal officials who do not compromise, who act unethically, who ignore the plight of the suffering and common-sense solutions for creating jobs and protecting consumers (Hello! Are you listening Republicans who voted down the proposal to name a consumer advocate?). You want to this place to run like a business, certain members of Congress (you know who you are)? Fine. Do it. Do it the way honest-to-goodness businesses do it. Or we’ll fire your asses.
Finally, a personal wish: To my friend, Miguel, who came to America a while back, from Bolivia: I’m sorry you have to leave. I’m sorry that working 15-hour days, six days a week at Dunkin’ Donuts AND McDonald’s wasn’t enough. I wish there was something I could do for you and your family. I wish you peace and rest and good fortune. I wish you a joyful holiday season, despite the uncertainty that awaits you. I hope that I’ll see you here again some day. Stay strong. Stay amazing. Stay hopeful.
Best to all this holiday season and best to our nation in the new year.